Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Look more mature now...

Today, I had lunchie with some old friends of mine. Great time we spent together. Known one another for 3 years or so I guess. Time flies. Over the years, they had seen me grow. lol. Today, they said that I have grown more mature. Look more mature. Haha. I like this comment. I guess once you reach a certain age or stage of life and experience, your face grows with you as well. I always wish to be mature and look mature. But what do I really want now ? hhmmm. i don't know. I feel lost. I guess I have to trust my instincts...

Monday, June 28, 2010

2 feelings that I hate..

I hate the feeling of NOT HAVING MONEY! The feeling of it its just so darn unpleasant and horrifying! To a guy, Money is power, safety, responsibility. Money limits our needs, wants, social life, freedom etc. Without money, a guy will feel very insecure about things. Even if it is just holding it and knowing that he has the money is just enough. He do not need to use it or anything. But as long as he knows he has a sum of money somewhere and when there is a need, he could fulfill that need with that amount of money, then he would be alright.

The second thing is that I hate the feeling of being HELPLESS and POWERLESS when it comes to loved ones being in trouble. Loved ones include family, close friends, partners etc. Someone you truly care about. If they are in troubled or they are feeling depressed/sad or perhaps dying, all you can do is just stand there and watch it happen. Being helpless and powerless in the situation. Doesn't it hurt you?

Once, I watched my hamster die in front of my eyes. His pulse is getting weaker by the second and his breathing is more intense. I know he is gonna leave me soon. I know that he is suffering. I want him back! I couldn't do it. I just held him in my palms and started praying and talking to him. Yup! I TALKED with him, my HAMSTER! I told him ' I'm sorry and I love you. Thanks for being my pet hamster. I really appreciate the time we spent together. I wish you all the best. You can go now with pride. Don't suffer anymore, just go on. Don't be afraid. It's alright. Rest in peace.' and I actually kissed him! lol... and few minutes after that, he passed away. hhmmm.. It hurts me though to watch him die in my hands with the thought that I could not do anything to help him.

Or once, I have this close friend of mine staying in another country. News broke out that his loved one had incurable disease. 4th Stage if I am not mistaken. And he is far away from his loved one. I can sense his sadness, his pain. I can feel it myself. Looking at him like that, it just hurt me because AGAIN I am powerless and helpless in the situation! All I can do is just tell him to take care and all. But that is not someone in the situation needed I guess. I wish I could just go there and give him a hug or perhaps lend him a shoulder to cry on, the least I could do. However, he is a lot more tougher than I thought.

Or this close friend who is feeling lost and depressed. I don't know what is going on. I just couldn't help! I HATE IT! I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY! ESPECIALLY LOVED ONES! THOSE THAT I CARE ABOUT! Now I am getting Emo about it! ARGH! >.<"

Friday, June 25, 2010

My Willfulness

I realised that when it comes to certain group of people, I have this attitude that I find it irritating myself. Of course, lots of people also find it irritating too. It has caused me to lose a fair amount of friends. Last time, I used to think, it's alright, if they can't accept me for who I am, so be it. But now when I look at it. It is not like that anymore. I need friends. More friends than I actually think I need. Moreover, this attitude is just getting out of hand. I am trying very hard now to fix my willfulness. It has been a pain in the ass and people are getting sick and annoyed by it. Yup, it's about time to fix my willfulness :) Help me please...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Echoes of the Rainbow 岁月神偷

Just finished watching Echoes of the Rainbow. Been dying to watch it but due to assignment, exam and time constraint, I didn't watch it in the cinema. What a magnificent movie with a bunch of talented actors and actress + nice song. I feel so closed to the movie because the character's name is Desmond too. Furthermore, I see myself in the kid(Desmond's younger brother).

Before watching the movie, I already prepared myself that I will boohoo. Yup, I did boohoo. It is very touching. I always thought and feel that a kid's cry is annoying till I watch this movie. The kid had three memorable cry scene in the movie. The first time when he cried, my heart went all soft. I pity the kid. He just wanted something. I understand that feeling because when I want something so badly and I couldn't have it, I can feel my heart ache. I guess this is my personality, I do not accept 'No' for an answer. I dislike the feel of being turned down or could not get something I want so badly. The feeling of defeat is just unbearable. But as years gone by, I am still learning how to take things easy and understand the fact that not everything goes our way.

The second time the kid cried is when there was a storm that ruined his house. They were leaving in this house that was made of wood and metals that were unstable. Strong wind could just blew away the whole house. Indeed, the the storm ruined part of the house. His parents was holding on to the roof to avoid it being blown away. Hanging on to their dear lives and only house. This shows how poor and unfortunate they are. My heart sank when the kid cried holding on to his mother's leg while shouting for help. He was like ' Mom... Dad... Help me...' I bet when we are young, when we are sad, lonely and helpless, we would always cry out for our parents.

The last memorable cry scene was that he had this 6th sense about his brother. He ran back home from school and found out that the house was not opened. He cried out loud because he knew something was wrong. Indeed, his brother passed away. The bond between him and his brother was so strong that he could feel his brother. His grandmother told him that if he want to see his loved ones again, he would have to throw all his precious things into the sea. Which he did just to see his brother again. This shows that he loves his brother because he would sacrifice the most precious things to him just to see his brother again.

Another part of the movie that caught my attention was how materialistic the nurses were. They would asked for tips to perform their jobs such as fetching the water or drawing blood from the patient. How could people be so materialistic ?! On the other hand, the parents showed that money is not everything compared to his dear son's life. The father actually pawned his watch and wedding ring in order to get blood transfusion to his son. The scene was so touching when the mother saw the finger that previously held the wedding ring was gone. She understands and hold on to the father's hand. Parents would do anything for their children' dear lives.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010




Monday, June 21, 2010

I look young... advantage.. definitely..

A lot of people had mentioned that I look young. Yup, I admit. I am young and I have lil bit of baby face! Thus, I look young :P The thing is that, I am short as well. So, the combination gives other people the sense of incapable of handling things. But, I assure you that I am capable of things I do not even know I could.

Some sees this as an disadvantage, but I would like to see it as an added advantage. Honestly speaking, I look the same since I was in primary school. I still look the same now. Young, witty, naughty and playful XD I will look almost the same 10 years from now. when I am in my 30s. or perhaps I will look like I am in my late 20s when my actual age is in the 40s! How awesome is that!? No botox!! cool! and sometimes I could still give the 'puppy eyes'... lol...

Well, I m going for an interview this Friday. I do not want to show that I am too young/incapable of the job. I need to dress up more maturely. hhmmm.. Good Luck to me...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Point of choosing new journey...

I've finished my bachelor degree. 4 years just passed like that. In a blink of eye. Now I am standing at a point of my life where one phase ended, I'm supposed to make decision about which path to take on. To start a whole new challenging journey.

Of course, I'd have plans in my mind already but how would I know if those plans would work ? How would I know if such choices will lead me to where I wish to be in the future ? Are those choices worthy enough ? Good enough for me ? Am I capable of doing it ? hhmmm...

I guess nobody could answer those questions for me. Or give me the answer to it. I need to go and explore it myself. I need to fall down, in order to learn how to get up all by myself. Learn it the hard way. or is there a smart way ? by just reading ? I guess the experience will give you more insight to everything. Is there someone to guide me along this road ? Do I really need guidance ? I guess, to a certain extent, some guidance would be excellent but we must not always depend on others. All by myself...

Sometimes I would think that my past will come back to haunt me. will it ? hhmmm.. what I'd failed to do in the past will haunt me in the future. Or perhaps something I did wrong come back and haunt me. aiks.. One bad decision we made last time might haunt us in the future. so be wise when choosing something and have no regret once the decision is made. Go all out! just stay positive and everything will be alright. This is the belief I hold on to now...